Karkat Continues to Fail at Everything Ever
by Nekouyoku
Summary: John gets sick and Karkat takes care of him. Johnkat


The worst two days of Karkat's life were officially over. Worst, of course, being a gross exaggeration because all that Sgrub shit had torn his life apart not too long ago, but he was willing and able to convince himself that taking care of the Dave Human, 'no John I will not stop calling him that', came in at a very _very_ close second.  
It had started with a pester and escalated into something inherently disturbing to the troll, having not once in his life witnessed anything like motherly affection, especially so from one idiot boy to another, more annoying, idiot boy the exact same age as him.  
Somehow, though, Karkat had managed to get through it (he'd insisted on coming with John anyways, so he couldn't very well just leave) without punching the then-fragile Dave Human right in his ever present sunglasses, and was ever so relieved when John had decided that his 'patient' had recovered enough to take care of himself. In fact, that might have been a moment that Dave shared as well, it was hard to tell with his lack of _any emotion at all_, but Karkat felt that the kid was more than happy to never eat any of John's "cooking" ever again, quote unquote, heavy emphasis.  
That mess of events was now ending with Karkat's reward for not going completely apeshit, which was them sitting down and watching the troll's pick of a movie, which John supposed wasn't _too_ bad. No matter how bad the movie was, the commentary always ended up being...well, interesting.  
The next mess of events began with a squeak. A squeak which Karkat had trouble identifying, until he looked over and saw John sniffing and rubbing his nose.  
"There's no way that's how you fucking sneeze."  
This was a fact. Karkat would in no way accept that this human had just made a noise with a pitch that rivaled a squeakbeast's, completely involuntarily. Anything that did that on a regular basis had no business getting anywhere near the end of Sgrub, or whatever the humans liked to call their game.  
John sniffed, again, and laughed slightly, grinning that stupid grin of his. "Yeah, sorry..."  
Karkat narrowed his eyes, but decided the matter wasn't worth pursuing. The movie was getting good, anyways. Or at least as good as these Earth movies got. All in all, they were pretty...Terrable.  
But it happened again.  
And again.  
And over the past few days Karkat had learned a thing or two about human sickness, and definitely enough to realize that this was _not a good sign_. Though not enough to realize that he _may _be blowing thingsa little_ out of proportion_.  
"Hey."  
"Huh?"  
"How do human diseases spread."  
This was not a statement. This was a question with a period at the end of it.  
"Uhh..."  
John rubbed his sleeve against his nose, pondering the question.  
"In a lot of ways...through the air, through contact...ummm..." he turned slightly red, "You know. Ways. Uhh...why?"  
Karkat scowled. "If they can be spread so easily, why did you spend so much fucking time around the sick Dave Human? You obviously caught whatever he had!"  
John laughed, again, not moving his sleeve from his face. He looked stupid. Er than usual.  
"Oh, come on Karkles," oh yes, he'd taken to calling him this whenever the phrase '[name of human friend] Human' came up. He'd promised to stop when Karkat stopped. So far neither had yielded. "You're just paranoid. I'm probably fi-aahh-"  
He sneezed, again, violently enough to upset his glasses and leave them hanging sideways over his face. He fixed them with one hand, the other hovering near his nose.  
"I'll...uh...be right back," he said, sniffing again and making an exit. When he shuffled back in again, tissues in hand, Karkat was looking extremely peeved. Or, more than usual.  
"If you get sick I'm not fucking taking care of you," he said, arms crossed, eyes fixed on the television.  
"Yeah, I know, I know," John said, flopping down on the couch and setting the tissues to the side for easy access.  
"I still think you're overreacting, though. It's probably just allergies, anyways."

* * *

Less than 24 hours later saw John huddled up in a blanket in a cold sweat, coughing his lungs out and reluctant to speak due to the fact that it felt like his throat was on fire.  
Karkat sat at his beside, wondering whether it would be sensitive to say 'I told you so'.  
"I told you so."  
Karkat had decided he didn't care.  
John, despite everything, managed a smile.  
"Yeah, sorry..." he muttered, punctuating the end with a painful cough.  
"I guess I should call someone to take care of me, huh..."  
Karkat frowned, and crossed his arms.  
"Well, if you call one of your human friends, this is going to turn into some sort of sick never ending cycle, and I don't think any of the trolls would be willing to come out here unless they've got ulterior motives, and I don't want them hogging all the fun of seeing you squirm in pain so I guess I'll just have to deign to take care of you for a few fucking days."  
John blinked a few times.  
"But-"  
"Yeah, shut up. You're stuck with me, okay."  
"Um...okay."  
Karkat crossed his arms and leaned back, trying to look as displeased at this situation as possible. Which was fairly displeased. He'd had plenty of practice. This motion, however, only amused John, and he smiled his dorky grin, looking altogether pitiful.  
"Well, um, as long as you're here, then...could you get me a glass of water?"

"...fine."

* * *

It was amazing, almost frightening, how fast human diseases worked. John kept saying that he'd get better just as fast, but so far Karkat saw little evidence of this. They'd gotten almost the same amount of sleep the first night, and Karkat hadn't slept _at all_. It's not that he was worried, no of course. He just, well...wanted...to...uh...well, he wasn't worried, okay. It would just be fairly unfortunate for John to die, and Karkat had no knowledge that said he wouldn't, other than the human's constant reassurance.  
Reassurance that at times wasn't all that reassuring.  
"I've probably just got the flu, Karkat. People don't die because of the flu. Or, well, uh..."  
The sun was coming up now, the troll duly noted. It didn't really matter, since John hadn't gotten much sleep. He'd probably end up staying in bed well into the afternoon, if not all day.  
Karkat absentmindedly rubbed the back of the human's hand with his thumb. The sick kid had, suddenly, in the middle of the night, insisted that Karkat hold his hand, because that's how people in the movies always got better, and though it was completely illogical, Karkat decided it wouldn't hurt and granted his request. It seemed to have at least some psychological effect on him, anyways, because he was able to stay asleep for more than 20 minutes at a time afterwards.  
John grumbled discontentedly and turned away from the window, coughing a few times. He was, understandably, not ready to get up yet, and was upset that the sun decided it was time to.  
"Hey," Karkat said. He got a sort of grunt in reply.  
"Are you hungry?"  
John nodded.  
"Well...I'm going to try and fix you something," Karkat grumbled, disentangling his hand from John's and getting up. The human mumbled something unintelligible and rolled over, content enough to try and get back to sleep.  
Karkat shut the blinds before he left.

* * *

The time was negligible to John, since he spent it, for the most part, drifting in and out of consciousness, but Karkat was well aware of the hours spent slaving away in the kitchen making, well, for the most part, a mess. But, also something that could maybe have been edible-ish. The appliances were similar to what they'd had on Alternia anyways, he reasoned, it wouldn't be too bad.  
But about five minutes in he realized that he'd never cooked on Alternia, either. And the ingredients were...different. And, hell, it'd taken him about 20 minutes to dig up a cookbook that wasn't solely focused on baked goods.  
However, through hours of trial and error, he managed to make something that...well...uh...he wasn't entirely sure. Karkat had long accepted the fact that humans had a very twisted taste in food, however, and decided that he'd at least try and see if John was even willing it touch it.

* * *

John wasn't particularly willing to touch it.  
He'd been half asleep when Karkat came back, but the peculiar smell roused his curiosity enough to haul himself up and lean against the wall, squinting at the blurry form of Karkat entering the room. Where had he put his glasses, anyways...  
"Here," Karkat said, setting a bowl down on the bed next to him.  
"Thanks," John croaked, staring at the bowl of...of...oh god, what was that even.  
He glanced at Karkat, who had his arms crossed and was staring at him expectantly.  
"Uhh," cough cough, "Um...what is this?"  
"It's food, dumbass."  
"Is it?"  
"Yes! I found one of your human cook books and everything, okay? It should at least be fuckin' _edible_, unless your stomach is as weak as the rest of you is. Which, I suppose, would be possible, since you're sick and all..."  
He scowled, and kicked at the floor.  
"Just try it at least."  
John continued staring at the food (?), for once glad that he couldn't see worth shit without his glasses. He wasn't entirely sure that he _wanted_ to know what it looked like.  
"How, um, long did this take you?" he asked, prodding at the...substance with the spoon that Karkat had provided.  
"I don't know, does it matter? An hour or two."  
John coughed a couple of times into his hand. If it'd taken that long, then he really had no choice but to at least try it...  
He got a...dollop? Blob? An...amount of it on the spoon, doing his best to ignore the stomach-churning _wet_ noise that the excess substance made as it fell back into the bowl.  
Oh god oh god...just...just get it over with.  
He stuck the spoon in his mouth and quickly swallowed the meal down.  
The texture was horrifying, and the taste was really strong, and...and...  
Well...actually, it may have been because he was starving, or maybe because he wasn't tasting stuff quite right, but...  
It actually wasn't that bad.  
He got another spoonful and actually pondered on the taste this time.  
"What is this...? I mean, besides food..."  
Karkat seemed genuinely surprised that John was actually stomaching this stuff.  
"Well, I probably made it completely fucking wrong, but it was some sort of 'squash' soup or something."  
"Do you know what a squash is?"  
"No."  
Well, that would explain it. It tasted a little like squash but also...tomato, or something? And it was pretty salty, and garlic-y, and he was fairly certain there was something spicy in there, but, hey, it really was food.  
"This actually isn't that bad," he said, taking another mouthful. He normally would have said something about it being the texture of baby food, but, well...his throat burned like the fires of hell, so maybe this baby food stuff was exactly what he needed.  
"...are you joking?"  
"No! I'm eating it, aren't I?"  
"Apparently."  
Karkat would have said 'devouring'. The human really was hungry, wasn't he. Poor thing.  
"How much of this did you make?" he said through a mouthful.  
Karkat motioned out an invisible pot with his hands.  
"A lot."

* * *

_Beep...beep...beep..._  
Karkat stared at the thing sticking out between John's lips. What had he called it? A Ther...therme...thermater? Something. He'd ended up telling him to get "the white skinny thing with the metal tip" out of the cabinet, and Karkat still wasn't sure what it was for.  
It started beeping more rapidly for a moment, and John took it out of his mouth, turning it around to look at the display.  
"103..." he muttered, frowning.  
"Yeah? What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Oh, um..." John took the thing out of his mouth and wiped the tip on his (sweaty, disgusting) shirt. "It's my temperature. It's supposed to be 98.6 degrees, and the sicker you get the higher it does. So when it starts going back down to 98 that means I'm getting better..."  
Karkat frowned.  
"Does four degrees make that much of a difference?"  
"Well, yeah. I mean at 104 is when you're supposed to go to the hospital for urgent care, I think."  
"...oh."  
John started shrugging, slowly, but interrupted the motion by holding out the, uh, therma-thingy, and grinning.  
"We should take your temperature!"  
"I don't think so."  
"Oh, come on...I'm curious..."  
The human pouted, and coughed slightly, and then continued pouting.  
Karkat scowled.  
"Fine," he grumbled, taking the thing and glaring at it.  
"You have to press the button then put it under your tongue. Like, right _heeah_," John said, showing Karkat exactly what he meant.  
He did so.  
The thing beeped a few times, before sounding off that it was done.  
"That was fast..."  
Karkat took it out of his mouth to check the display. He just frowned, and showed it to John. It was flashing all 8's.  
"Oh...I guess it doesn't go that high."  
That was disappointing.

* * *

It was three in the morning.  
John was trying to sleep again.  
"Trying" being the key operative word here, because due to the aching and fever, he was spending more time tossing and turning and apparently having more than a few fever-induced nightmares.  
In other words, he wasn't doing so well. And Karkat, once again _not_ worried _at all_, was stuck sitting next to his bedside and watching him writhe.  
There were more pleasant ways to spend a night.  
"Karkat..." John croaked, his voice barely audible.  
"Yeah?"  
The human turned to look at him, his eyes red and watering, due to fear or pain or a symptom of the fever, he wasn't sure.  
"Could you, uh..." he coughed, and immediately looked like he regretted it.  
"Water?"  
John glanced at the empty glass on his bedside table.  
"Oh, yeah, that too, I guess...But, I was wondering if you would, um, read to me?"  
Karkat frowned.  
"Read what?"  
"I dunno, anything...there're some books downstairs...I really think it would help."  
The troll sighed, and picked up the glass, getting up.  
"If you tell anyone about this, I will tear your throat out."  
John just grinned.

* * *

" 'He conducted long arguments with himself'," Karkat read, rather flatly, his thumb once again stroking the back of John's hand, " 'It was more than split personality. It was as if there were two people in one body. A warrior and a scientist'..."  
He glanced up at the human who was now, finally, asleep. His breathing was a little heavy, and his hair was sticking to his face, but...he was definitely sleeping.  
Karkat's mouth twitched up in a slight smile.  
Maybe this wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

John was playing with the thermometer again.  
Wait, was that...yes, yes, Karkat was pretty sure that was the word. "Thermometer". He'd actually payed attention to the human's fever-induced rambling last time. It was...interesting, to say the least. Karkat wasn't entirely sure that John had been completely conscious through all of it, but...whatever.  
It started its fast beeping again, and the troll snatched it away immediately, (much to John's surprise), proceeding to check the display and raise an eyebrow.  
"...well?"  
"It hasn't gone down at all. You're obviously going to stay sick and die."  
"What...!"  
Karkat rolled his eyes, and handed the thermometer back.  
"I'm kidding, dumbass."  
John glanced at the display.  
And squinted.  
And was in the middle of experimentally adjusting the distance between him and the device for maximum clarity when Karkat gave in and handed him his glasses.  
John put them on, and the numbers "99.2" came into focus.  
He gasped, but it got caught in his throat and he ended up coughing instead, and just managed to squeak out, "I'm better...!" in between hacking up lung matter.  
Karkat was, astonishingly, not convinced.  
"Are you."  
"Yeah!"  
"You still look like shit to me."  
"Heh, well, yeah..."  
John rubbed the back of his neck.  
"But, uh, my fever's down, so I'll actually be able to sleep, and I'll get better a lot faster after that. I think."  
"You think."  
"I'm _pretty _sure."  
"Well...as long as I don't have you read you any more of that fucking book."  
"Oh, whatever, you were having fun."  
"Bullshit!"  
"Come on, you made the perfect voice for that little demon kid..."  
"...fuck you."

* * *

And, of course, it came back around to movie night. It was sort of a semi-weekly thing, anyways. It might have been nightly, even, if not for the fact that they always ended up spending way too long arguing over what to watch. And then half the time Karkat would start analyzing all of the character's relationships, and with the whole quadrants thing and with the fact that this was, well, Karkat, it always got a little over the top and John starting getting picky about which movies to show because he didn't want _all_ of the characters being over analyzed, and...many other things.  
Though, eventually John had starting getting the hang of this troll romance thing, and could almost hold his own in an argument against Karkat with it, and he decided that, well, the analyses were actually kind of funny, so they'd reached a sort of equilibrium.  
Tonight, Karkat had graciously let John choose a movie. And "graciously let", in this context, obviously means he didn't argue quite as much as usual and settled on making passive-aggressive remarks about everything until the movie started picking up.  
He may have been annoyed, but he wasn't about to ruin a perfectly okay film because of it.  
And, well...you wouldn't hear it from him, but Karkat was feeling...pretty...okay. He hadn't really realized until it was all over how stressed out John being sick had made him, so even if the movie was second-rate and the fuckass had burnt the popcorn again, Karkat was feeling...alright.  
Content, even.  
But...not quite happy.

* * *

"...obviously wouldn't have happened if she'd bothered finding herself a decent auspistice. I mean seriously, how do you humans leave such gaping plot holes in your movies and not notice? Anyone that age should have filled all their fucking quadrants by then-"  
"Wait, wait, were you saying you think those two girls were...matesprits?"  
"No, I don't _think_ they were matesprits, dumbass, I _know_ they were. Come on, you could fill a pail with the romantic tension in the air between those two."  
"Uhh...that sounds really dirty, I think."  
"Wow, really? That is a fucking amazing deduction there. I am just blown away."  
"Yeah, um, hey, thank you."  
"...what?"  
"For...taking care of me..."  
John rubbed the back of his neck, and stared at the floor, smiling nonetheless.  
"What does that even...I already told you I didn't have a choice, dumbass...weren't you listening," Karkat mumbled, leaning back into the couch and looking miffed that his rant had been interrupted. He'd lost his train of thought now. He'd already covered the big fight and the chance scene, and then the dramatic kiss, and-  
Wait, kiss.  
Kissing.  
The human...  
Was kissing his face for some reason.  
"Uhh," went Karkat.  
John leaned back, his face red, (wow that was still weird), and shrugged slightly, like he was trying to convey a 'whatever', but his body language was practically screaming "WOW I JUST KISSED KARKAT THAT WAS A LITTLE AWKWARD".  
"...what was that."  
"U-uh...nothing?"  
"You just kissed me."  
"Oh...yeah, I guess I did, huh."  
Karkat frowned.  
"Why?"  
John shrugged, again, and plucked at the carpet with his toes, and continued to turn even redder.  
"I dunnoooo..."  
The troll scowled, and John was about to stammer out some vague explanation, but he was interrupted by the old couch letting out a creak as Karkat leaned over, and returned his affection.  
"Uhh," went John.  
"...you're stupid."  
"H-huh?"  
"Those two girls were obviously matesprits."

-End.


End file.
